I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
