On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
