I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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