Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
