Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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