Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize