did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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