dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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