My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Randomize
