HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Your cock deserves a montage
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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