My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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