i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
