Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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