He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Text me some of your sweat
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
