I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
