after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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