dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Two words: nipple clamps
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