i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
