my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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