I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize