Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
