thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
