I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
