i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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