the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
