Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
a search helicopter?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
