i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
