I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
