I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
