GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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