i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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