He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
