Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
