My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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