paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
