he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize