I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
pray to the hookup gods
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
