So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
