That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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