I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
