$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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