she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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