I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize