My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
