You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
