i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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