Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
