We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
