She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
