I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
