take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
