my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I touched a dick in church today
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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