My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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