Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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