Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize