my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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