You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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