So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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