I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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