Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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