she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
